I knew I wouldn't last until Christmas... here I am again!
I've still been writing a lot over the last several weeks, but it's all been sad and dreary and some of it has been quite ranty as well. I made a deal with myself that I wouldn't publish anything here until I had something happy to write about since it's not much fun for anyone out there to have to constantly read depressing drivel, and so I've been waiting.
And waiting ...
And STILL waiting, almost making myself feel super-crazy-depressed because I didn't have something really happy and joyous to write about.
And then today a few things happened...
I got into the car at lunchtime to come home for my walk that I still do every lunch hour - even though Jazzy isn't here anymore - I still love that time that I get to myself. I also say hi to Jazzy every time I walk past his little drinking spot, which made me cry the first week or so, but now it makes me smile. Anyway, I got into the car and had to look in the backseat to see if Jazz was there because I could suddenly smell him. Nope - no Jazzy in the backseat, but still that really strong sense that he was there. So, I came home, went for my walk, and then on the way back to work I stopped at the petrol station to fill up (I have a total phobia about filling up the car with petrol - but I'll save that for another time) and while standing there looked into the boot of the car where I saw the still unwashed Jazzy cushions that I'd put in a few days earlier. So Jazzy didn't come and visit me from the 'other side', but it felt like he was close by me for a lot of today.
Also at lunchtime, I ran into a friend's husband who told me that this friend has just had emergency surgery this week, but she's now fine and will be going home tomorrow. I cried while I walked away from him, from the shock of the news, the relief that she's okay, and the realization that all of this, this life, can be taken away at any moment, and she is so lucky to be alive.
Then I went to pick up Kalani from daycare. He normally doesn't really like to get dropped off in the morning, but geez does he hate to get picked up. He does NOT want to come home with me. I normally have some kind of bribe to lure him away with - grapes in the car, a surprise guest at home, the promise of licking the chocolate cake mixture from the bowl. Today was no different from any other day, he really didn't want to come with me, so I chatted to one of the (amazing) girls who works at the daycare while he finished playing. She told me that he's quite different from other 2 year old's - he thinks about things differently and in a lot more depth than any of the other's do! She said that she finds it really interesting looking after him because he is so different (and she means different in a good way - I checked ... a few times). Now I'm not saying that Kalani is any kind of genius because he's not - he's just an average 2 year old who has good and bad moments, but still - it's really nice to get good feedback about your kid. I tried to hold on to that thought while I dragged him screaming to the car.
So - what am I trying to say?
Basically, I had a good day. Not because of any one thing - but more because lots of nice, happy moments happened today.
And then I look back at the last few months, and with the exception of a few really really awful days, every day has been like today. There is always happy in each day, I just need to notice it more.
I don't need to wait for a big happy event, because there probably won't be one. What there will be, is lots and lots and LOTS of little happy moments. Moments when you stop, even for just a millisecond, and think "I'm so glad to be here".
And I'm so glad to be back :)
Some Christmas related rambles will be coming soon.